Propose to each other. I never dreamed of proposing until after I was proposed to, and when I contemplated it, the pressure to do something unforgettable, to say everything right, was immense. I felt impressed with Andrew and his proposal in a whole new way, and empathized with his stalling in a whole new way, too. If I had to do it over again, I would propose proposal month, a month during which each person proposes to the other, because it is the way 21st century marriage should start.  It meant the world to me to say “Marry me,” not just “yes,” and it meant the world to my husband, too.

Baptism by bling. The diamond ring is one of the most emotionally, socially, and fiscally packed symbols associated with weddings. The women I interviewed had more to say about it than about any other subject, desperate for the chance to speak honestly about what we all know, but aren’t supposed to discuss: diamond rings symbolize pure love, but they also symbolize men’s paychecks—as DeBeers’ “salary calculator” makes abundantly clear—and how “well” women have done on the marriage market.  It is high time modern men and women had a real reckoning with the rock.

Avoid wedding pick-pockets. The Wedding Industrial Complex will try to sell you everything from specially packaged bridal eye cream (“I Dew!”) to little white monogrammed M&Ms. Wedding profiteers will shrewdly take advantage of your vulnerability, insecurity and impossible pursuit of bridal “perfection” to pick your pockets, your parents’ pockets, your partner’s pockets, and so on ... how to resist.

Make conscious choices. Women and men can close the gap between the reality of their partnerships and the rituals of their weddings by making conscious choices. In creating our vows, we wanted to incorporate traditional elements, familiar language, and ritual practices in order to signify our participation in a cultural rite of passage, while also creating something new that was true to the love we felt, and the life we wanted to lead together.  By approaching our ceremony consciously from the beginning, we succeeded.

Let's be real. It’s one thing to look your best, and another thing to look like somebody else, plastered with makeup; it is one thing to be healthy, and another to undergo surgery; it is one thing to be fit, and another to have five pounds of weights concealed in your bouquet to show off your triceps as you walk down the aisle!  It is possible to be a beautiful bride without putting on an act that costs women in more ways than one.