THEMES OF I DO BUT I DON'T:
A fresh look at the state of today’s weddings and marriage

The way we marry matters. With each wedding-related decision we make, and each role we agree to play or decide to reject, we establish and solidify patterns in our relationships that affect our marriages forever…or until divorce do us part. Setting a premium on authenticity and communication when we wed—rather than on conformity and chic gift bags—wouldn’t just make weddings more meaningful, it would make marriages more likely to start right.

I do…but I don’t. Modern brides are modern women. Raised in a postfeminist world, caught between feminist ideals and the femininity they need and want to possess, they struggle with a whole host of contradictions, like: “I am in charge of my own life!” and “When it comes to getting engaged, a man in is charge of my life, and I can do nothing but sit around and wait!”, among countless others. Reconciling your bridal-self and your self isn’t always easy.

Mirror, mirror. Women who have worked hard to feel entitled to friendship, love, promotions, and orgasms not because of how they look but because of who they are find themselves reduced to how they look once again. (The groom’s regimen, as described by one man? Wash face, brush teeth, comb hair.) At one of the most crucial moments of their lives, women get the message: being married is the most important thing you’ll ever do, and being beautiful is the most important thing you’ll ever be.

The roles and rules for men. Brides must have beauty, but grooms must have bucks. Men must put up thousands of dollars for the ring, proving themselves eligible for marriage, act like they don’t care about the flowers or flatware even if they do, and more.

Once in a lifetime v. obscene waste of money and time. The madness flows freely between the businesses and the brides. Regular people pay top jewelers and dressmakers exorbitant amounts to have what the Zeta-Jones-Douglases had. Some resort to offering ad spots to their vendors (printed in their wedding programs), others to registering for wedding costs. One set of parents, not wanting to appear “cheap,” accrued so much debt paying for their daughter’s wedding they found themselves struggling to buy groceries. When is enough, enough?

Bachelorettes wear penis hats, and real brides wear white. The bachelorette is the only truly new wedding ritual to come into existence since baby boomers got married a generation ago, presumably to recognize the reality that most women are no longer virgin-brides. But bachelorette parties often feel forced and false, as women go to strip clubs where other women strip (?), and stock up on cutsey penis paraphernalia, from earrings to hats. Nobody believes a woman has to be a virgin to wear white, but the double-standard still makes a bride’s display of purity crucial to her act. Not so for men. (Hard to imagine a bachelor party featuring vagina-shaped pasta for dinner.) How far have we really come with regard to sexuality and the sexes?