A CONVERSATION WITH KAMY WICOFF:

In I DO BUT I DON’T, you look at intriguing social issues through the lens of personal and intimate moments between you and your boyfriend/fiancé, Andrew. What led you to write it?

I had a wedding that was a lot like most weddings these days, with every “essential,” from the romantic proposal, to the diamond ring, to the designer gown, to the single-sex wedding shower, to the bachelorette party featuring karaoke with twelve of my closest friends, to the big reception and a three-day wedding weekend filled with must-do, planned activities.  And the whole time I was planning it I was moody, stressed, emotional, snappish, and generally did not feel like me!  I wasn’t a bridezilla, but as most women know, there is a lot of territory between “bridezilla” and “blissfully happy, perfect bride;” it’s the category into which must of us fall.  I wrote this book because, while I could hardly stop to ask myself, “Why is this happening? What’s happening? And what does it mean for me and my relationship?” while in the throes of wedding-planning, I knew I needed to ask myself all those questions and more—and to answer as many as I could.

Like many of the eighty-plus women I went on to interview in my quest, I realized I had suppressed a lot of violently ambivalent feelings during my time as a bride.  This book is the result of my passionate wish that women, and men, be able to have an honest conversation about the issues that arise in the course of wedding—issues that effect their partnerships, and are so hard to talk about precisely because they are so important.

If one believes the advertising, being a bride is all bliss and rapture, yet you say it is hard to be a modern bride. Tell us your thoughts on that. 

Modern brides are modern women!  And that means they have grown up feeling trapped between feminist ideals and a deep attraction to ideas about femininity that have, despite everything, changed very little.  When a modern woman attempts to become a modern bride, she finds herself confronted with a 1950s stereotype: the bride as a consummate party-planner/shopper/consumer obsessed with her appearance, being in perfect shape for the big day, and throwing the perfect wedding for 200 of her closest friends, and who still makes time to love and nurture her future husband…the update being that she does all of this while holding down a full-time job.  How to play that role and be true to the complexities of her modern identity, too? 

Women my age, raised in a postfeminist world, are used to marching into their boss’s offices and demanding promotions.  Suddenly, as brides, society expects them to revert to passive little girls, and narrowly defines who they are and what they should care about.  Yes, brides may be princess for a day—but princesses have always lived trapped in tall towers. 

In the book you say, “The way we marry matters.”  How?

The way things stand, weddings pry couples apart just at the moment it is most crucial for them to come together. Couples who do things together suddenly encounter rituals and traditions that mandate “men do this, women do that.” Because men and women of my generation—shaken by the legacy of divorce—long to feel part of tradition, part of something shared, they often follow these rules even when it doesn’t feel right. And this sets a pattern for the rest of the marriage. 

True, marriage has always been society’s tool for telling men and women what men and women are supposed to be, but 21^st-century marriage should forge new ground. Marriage should represent two people committing to help each other live full, self-directed lives, not enforcing gendered codes of behavior on each other. Some people may be happier going through the paces of an unexamined engagement and marriage, but I think that for a lot of people there is a desire to try for something more. Only by looking at the traditions objectively and in context can people decide for themselves what works for them. And that is the point of this book.

What are some of the specific ways couples are undermined, or affected, by wedding traditions that have remained unchanged?

Think of the proposal: couples who have made joint decisions are suddenly thrust into a position where, even when they have almost certainly discussed marriage and agreed that they are ready, inequality remains because one partner has to act, and the other must wait. It’s a bad way to start for so many reasons: it emphasizes a man’s role as provider and a woman’s role as dependent, even if that doesn’t really reflect a couple’s relationship; it causes women to obsess about being asked because it’s humiliating to be stuck in such a passive situation; and because they feel under pressure to ask, it encourages men to think of marriage as punishment, something pushed upon them by women, rather than something they want, too.  Or consider wedding planning: how can you kick off your equal partnership when it is expected that the bride, not the groom, should plan the big day?  Despite both being professionals, it was implicit that I would bear the brunt of planning the wedding—Andrew and I fell into this lopsided labor “sharing” without even thinking about it.  And the implications for labor-sharing in our future marriage were real. 

The relationship between mother and daughter is almost as central to weddings as that between bride and groom—what was your experience like with your mom?

My mother, like many of my friends’ mothers, raised me with feminist ideas. She told me to go out and have a career, and not to make marriage and motherhood my main goals in life but instead to make them part of my life—if and when I found the right partner. I really believed all of this and it came as a shock when she suddenly started asking me, when Andrew and I had been dating for awhile, “Why aren’t you engaged? When are you going to get married? I felt betrayed and confused: so many women I interviewed experienced similar things. At around age 27 or so, the new Cinderella’s midnight, women who have been cruising along enjoying their freedom and their self-esteem as independently-defined people suddenly find themselves reduced to one question: “Why aren’t you married!?” Their mothers are chief among the questioners, and it hurts. It took a while for my mother and I to understand each other—I’d like to think this book could help lots of mothers and daughters communicate with each other in a deeper way.

The wedding industry has grown into a $125 billion business.  What is it about this generation that has fueled all that growth?

My generation is incredibly brand-conscious and also highly aware of the art of self-presentation; many weddings today are like mini-movies starring the bride and groom as themselves, with production costs to match. The once-in-a-lifetime, live-your-dream rationale has gotten way out of control, spawning an alarming, waste-of-money-and-time extravaganza.

The truth is, the wedding business knows more about modern brides’ anxieties than modern brides do, and uses that to manipulate its primary consumers—women. They know that modern women have the nagging feeling that their identities are under attack when they become brides, and so they sell insanely expensive ways for brides to cope by being “individual.” The bride uncomfortable wearing a traditional white gown can opt for a $4,000 dress that feels unique. Any woman worried that wearing a diamond on her left hand undermines her independence can buy another diamond for her right hand to balance things out!  The wedding business also plays on Gen X and Gen Y’s fears about divorce, and couples now spend 45% more money than they had planned on weddings, convinced that this is a crucial way to demonstrate their “commitment.”

Do men face any of the challenges women do?

I found that men do struggle with the wedding process; they just struggle at a different point than women, usually before proposing, rather than afterward. Their struggle has been mindlessly labeled “commitment-phobia” rather than what it really is: an individual man wrestling with the immovable beast of the husband/father role. Yes, men are worried about monogamy, but so are women. And most men aren’t nearly as worried about forgoing anonymous sex as they are about assuming financial responsibility for a wife and children, or becoming Tamed Husbands, or losing their male friendships. Many women struggle with similar issues, but a startling truth is that women are now far more likely to consider a range of options for balancing work and life than men are—a working mom isn’t radical anymore, but a stay-at-home dad definitely is.

Are you a feminist?

Absolutely. But to me, and this is something my mother taught me, feminism is about freeing men and women to be, as she put it, “more totally human.” We should try to bring out the best of what is stereotypically “female” and stereotypically “male” in women and men. Feminism is about pushing yourself past your comfort zone and trying to act in a fearless, sincere, genuine, and socially responsible way. It is also about supporting other people—like your boyfriend, husband, or partner—to do this, too. Sometimes that means giving up things that are hard to give up, like playing the role of princess-for-a-day, because what you get in return is worth it.

If you had it to do over again, would you still have a wedding?

Yes, definitely! So many things about it were wonderful, valuable, and irreplaceable. I don’t think those who choose to do something intimate and private, just between the two of them, are any less married than those who have a larger ceremony or celebration. But I believe a wedding is a significant moment to bring the people you love together in one place, and to spend time, effort, and, yes, money, to publicly, formally celebrate your relationship. However, I would have done each phase of the wedding process differently…the proposal, the ring, the shower, the dress—the list goes on.  This book was also the chance for me to imagine something we don’t really get in life: one big do-over.  But undoubtedly my do-over would still end with a wedding.